Sorry, science buffs and lovers of all things in nature. (We’ll get to the latter in a minute.) All this fuss about the moon posting up the sun like any decent basketball player should seems just a bit overblown. Now, the Cubs winning the World Series last year? That was historic and euphoric. Plus, it led to some rounds for the house. Think anybody’s going to buy you a drink Monday to toast a successful solar eclipse?
No, tomorrow morning, a whole bunch of people are going to burn holes in their eyeballs because a.) they’re stupid or b.) they’re not stupid but they were dumb enough to purchase fake glasses for the occasion. And if they didn’t stumble across a warning on their Facebook feed, they’re oblivious to the dangers that have been posted everywhere else between heaven and hell the past few weeks. Tomorrow will be memorable for them, but not for the right reasons.
About those lovers of nature.
Law enforcement officials are braced for the bazillion sky gazers who are already cramming into every square inch of a swath of Idaho for the best view of the eclipse on the planet. But not all those eyes will be cast upward.
According to a very reliable source named Sheriff Ben Wolfinger, a large group of, shall we say, rainbow and flower children are also going to be there with their attention firmly focused closer to the Earth’s surface. While the moon passes between Earth and sun, their goal is to conceive offspring, supposedly making the eventual unique tykes somehow more unique. (Fellow smart-alecks, insert your telescope joke here.)
For those of you to whom this rare astronomical event is a highlight not to be missed for any reason, please, be safe out there. If you’re driving, we’d rather you text and talk than peer at the disappearing sphere. After all, it’s not easy to brag about witnessing the Great American Eclipse if you’re dead.
For the rest of us, there will be plenty of pictures on the internet, and they won’t make you blind.
Of course, they won’t buy you a drink, either.